hfhrocks.com is back online.

That is all.

Age of H has been available for download for awhile on Last.fm, but I wanted to post this link that contains all of the MP3s + the cover art + a text document that has the lyrics and liner notes for each song.

http://d01.megashares.com/?d01=006bce7

Today, the HFH Facebook got shut down.

It's a sad day.

So, Handjobs For Hobos entered a contest for the Season 2 release of Upright Citizens Brigade... We didn't win anything, BUT Matt Besser, A.K.A. Adair wrote a little blurb about our music:



Handjobs For Hobos – "Mogomra I Love You"
The Ramones of our contest. These guys paid tribute to the greatest monster of all time, the giant country lobster, Mogomra. Check out even better punk songs on their MySpace like "Cliterature".

Link: UCB DVD MySpace Page

Awhile ago, some stupid kid that found out about HFH sent me an AIM message. He was a real dick-bag, so I decided to have some fun with him recently. Two conversations were had.

Convo #1:

OMercyMe33 (2:08:53 AM): SHRED IT BRAH
shred2one8 (2:10:35 AM): fur sure dude
OMercyMe33 (2:09:25 AM): are you a bro?
shred2one8 (2:11:50 AM): yeah man
OMercyMe33 (2:10:41 AM): are you into bro-rape?
OMercyMe33 (2:10:45 AM): because I'm not a bro
OMercyMe33 (2:10:50 AM): ...so don't try to rape me
shred2one8 (2:12:15 AM): k
OMercyMe33 (2:11:02 AM): you can't seduce me with your Dave Mathews CDs
OMercyMe33 (2:11:14 AM): or your 6-pack of Natural Ice
OMercyMe33 (2:11:21 AM): or your Family Guy DVDs
OMercyMe33 (2:11:28 AM): I'm not a bro
shred2one8 (2:13:09 AM): well put it like this take nate king cole and fuck em in the butt with a jack hammer then picture your life if you were born black
OMercyMe33 (2:12:38 AM): his name was Nat King Cole
OMercyMe33 (2:12:46 AM): he wasn't a bro either... only bros are named Nate
shred2one8 (2:14:19 AM): fuck you
OMercyMe33 (2:13:08 AM): I know you'd like to
OMercyMe33 (2:13:27 AM): but trust me, I'm not your type... I don't pop my collar or wear hats with pre-freyed brims
shred2one8 (2:14:55 AM): dude if i ever get to meet you i wont even feel bad bustin yors hit
shred2one8 (2:15:04 AM): wtf
shred2one8 (2:15:07 AM): dude
OMercyMe33 (2:14:01 AM): bro-rape is not cool, dude
OMercyMe33 (2:14:15 AM): I don't care if you love Jack Johnson, it's not cool to rape bros
shred2one8 (2:15:40 AM): i fucking hate those kids i lissi'd to your bunk ass band and al you do is talk shit over a computer fuck that shit
shred2one8 (2:15:55 AM): you guys suick
shred2one8 (2:15:59 AM): ass
shred2one8 (2:16:07 AM): like no lie you lik,ek fall out boy
OMercyMe33 (2:14:48 AM): yeah, that's the point, brah
shred2one8 (2:16:20 AM): you should be shot raped then betten nd stabbed for that shit
OMercyMe33 (2:15:10 AM): dude, again... don't rape me
OMercyMe33 (2:15:11 AM): please
OMercyMe33 (2:15:21 AM): I'm not a bro
shred2one8 (2:16:46 AM): dud eyou like fall out boy like act like them
OMercyMe33 (2:15:25 AM): you wouldn't me attracted to me
OMercyMe33 (2:15:50 AM): I don't like Fall Out Boy... I like Jump Down Girl
OMercyMe33 (2:16:10 AM): Spring In Man is good too
shred2one8 (2:17:49 AM): it says so on your stupid ass wanna be blink 182 fucks myspace you gotta get int o act music
shred2one8 (2:17:53 AM): your miss lead
OMercyMe33 (2:16:44 AM): I don't like Blink 182
OMercyMe33 (2:17:04 AM): I like Wink 928
shred2one8 signed off at 2:17:21 AM.
shred2one8 is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.

Convo #2:

OMercyMe33 (5:04:09 PM): shred brahhhhhhh
OMercyMe33 (5:04:12 PM): sauce
OMercyMe33 (5:04:12 PM): sauce
OMercyMe33 (5:04:14 PM): sauce
OMercyMe33 (5:04:16 PM): in my mouth
OMercyMe33 (5:04:22 PM): DUDE BRAH
OMercyMe33 (5:04:26 PM): NATTY ICE!!!
shred2one8 (5:04:51 PM): im coming to wisconsin and slaying an ass or too
OMercyMe33 (5:04:54 PM): yeahhhh
OMercyMe33 (5:04:56 PM): slay that ass
OMercyMe33 (5:04:58 PM): yeah
OMercyMe33 (5:05:01 PM): slay it sooo hard
shred2one8 (5:05:10 PM): yeah your fucking ass
OMercyMe33 (5:05:12 PM): awww yeah
shred2one8 (5:05:19 PM): one hit boom! head shoot!
OMercyMe33 (5:05:32 PM): can I ejaculate under your eyelid?
OMercyMe33 (5:05:50 PM): I'll lift it up with some tweezers and I'll jizz onto your eyeball
shred2one8 (5:06:05 PM): fuck you man
shred2one8 signed off at 5:06:03 PM.
shred2one8 is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.

Check out our MySpace because there is a new song up called "Montel Sucks." Or is it called "Fuck You, Montel" or "TV Time"?

I don't know... anyway, check it out.

Yup... so we played another show earlier today (or yesterday since it's past midnight). It was fun. We sucked, but it was fun. That is two unannounced shows in the span of two nights... sorry. But be sure to check out our show on July 21!

So, about 6 or 7 hours ago we played a basement show. Apparently a band dropped out and we were asked to play at the last second. Being slightly unprepared aside, it was a lot of fun. We look forward to playing more shows in the near (hopefully very near) future!

Duerst and Brad J. Ruppa will be down in Chicago at Acen (that stands for Anime Central, for you non-"otakus" AKA people who didn't get beat up in high school). I think they'll be selling HFH CDs and assorted pins.

It'll be good fun and I'm kind of annoyed that I have to miss it.

So I, like many people who have a Myspace account, received a message very much like this one:

hollla Hii.. cool page :).. I was bored so thought Id say hi.. my M..S..N is fizzygirla@gmail.com chat me there...if u dont have it then my A..I..M is pradabooza I'm trying to meet some new people (I just moved lol) . Kinda new on myspace...not sure how it works yet so don't reply here ..just use M.S.N or A.I.M (I prefer m.s.n as my a.i.m freezes sometimes) ... chat soon if you're interested xoxox P*aris :)

sooo... i decided to have a lil fun with it...

dannygoswimmer: hi porn bot!
pradabooza: Hi :-)..u from MS?
dannygoswimmer: i dont know what that means
pradabooza: LOL, I guess u got my message then.. Im Paris, nice ot meet ya...Hope the random msg didnt bother ya..
dannygoswimmer: you're not a real attractive woman... you're clearly just a guy working for a porn company, trying to get pathetic geeks like me to subscibe to a pay site
pradabooza: Hun, Im just a lil late to start my webcam sh0w...can you come watch and chat with me there instead? woudl be much easier..
dannygoswimmer: only if i can cum under your eyelids
pradabooza: I can set u up with a V*I~P account so it's free for ya... as long as u dont give out your info to anybody lol :-$
dannygoswimmer: i have a scat fetish... is that ok?
dannygoswimmer: could you roll with that on the cam?
dannygoswimmer: i'll be discreet
dannygoswimmer: i promise
pradabooza: Well babe, all my shows have total nakedness in them lol.. and because of that you have to verify your an adult by signing in with a cred;t card...cause its the law.. but when u get in...just message me with your account name and I will up*grade u to V,I,P so u don't pay..I do it for my friends all the time but u cannot give out your account name or pass 2 anyone.. do u pinky swear lol? sexywebcamangels.net/bliss
dannygoswimmer: do you actually think that im a "babe"
dannygoswimmer: ?
pradabooza: pleeeeez don't mention that i am upgrading yousign in ok?:$..promise?..I can get in shit.... :-(
dannygoswimmer: im still not convinced that your a woman though
dannygoswimmer: your a guy sitting at home, working for commision for a porn company
pradabooza: K Im super late, gotta get off A*I*M, I;ll see ya inside the chat room.... use your A*I*M name to sign in so i know its u...remember NOT to say that u have V,I.P xoxoxo sexywebcamangels.net/bliss
dannygoswimmer: im going to kill you!
pradabooza.
dannygoswimmer: EYYYYEAHAHHAHHAHA:LKJH:LKJHA:KJHA

needless to say, "she" blocked me pretty quickly.

fuck porn bots.

You guys ever checked out last.fm? It compiles a list of all the songs you've listened to (by tracking what you play off of iTunes) and you can see what your friends are listening to.

So, it basically allows you to musically stalk somebody. What a wonderful thing the internet is!!! Anyway, I'm bringing it up because Cliterature and Bonana Track are now freely downloadable through last.fm. (Not that big of a deal since you can download them from a bunch of other websites for free.) You can check out the HFH Last.fm page here: http://www.last.fm/music/Handjobs+For+Hobos

Apparently 1,413 last.fm users mistook Alone Forever as a Taking Back Sunday song.

We got reviewed... and it is hilarious!

Sometimes it’s cute to see young kids make music. While this group was formed nearly five years ago, they still write ‘songs’ called “Cliterature”, “Burke the Jerk” (which pretty much uses the same rhyme ad nauseum), and of course the title track. You can tell what the intelligence level is when they say that they boast a lot of Internet fans from South America, “or some random unimportant place like that”. Riiiight. They claim fame because one of their songs was swapped on the Internet after being inadvertently labeled a Taking Back Sunday demo. Sorry kids but no one would ever truly mistake your songs for an established band. You instead sound like twelve year olds still fascinated by the flame created by farts and lighters. It however is cute to hear ‘bands’ talk about sex when they’re totally virgins. Did I mention that this was the band you were hoping to go up against at a gong show?

- J-Sin

click here for the link

To celebrate the release of our smash hit "I Like The Freckles On Your Ass" I've compiled a couple of the shittiest nu metal esque videos for your viewing pleasure... enjoiii!!!

Nickelback - Figured You Out (Live)


Puddle Of Mudd --- Control


Linkin Park --- Crawling

I love searching for "Handjobs For Hobos" on Google. There is no limit to the crazy and hilarious shit to be found. For example, I found this on an internet forum:

" ... my gf likes bands i never really heard of, like Mindless Self Indulgence and Handjobs for Hobos and weird shit like that ... "

Link: http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=8391079#post8391079

I never thought HFH would be grouped with MSI.

With the help of google, I found a MySpace Blog entry a person wrote about creepy friend requests she gets from people who she doesn't know:

I have 25 still sitting there that I have neither approved nor denied. I just let them drop off. A lot of them are CREEPY. Yeah, I have a few weird 'friends' on here but I mean come on, wouldn't you okay a friend request from a band called "Handjobs for Hobos"? That's hysterical!!! I'd go see them, if they were in my area, just for that funny name alone.

Link:
blog.myspace.com/hallelujahtallulah

I just thought that was interesting ...

Today I recorded an acoustic version of Cliterature... it's CLIT-tastic. It'll be available for download by the end of the weekend.

This is me being really awesome on the interweb, and messing with this poor lil bastard in a creepy Jeffery Dahmer fashion. Check it. A schmuck should get locked up for this heinous display of schmucktastic behavior!

dannygoswimmer: im dan from hfh
dannygoswimmer: i play bass
CiTySkATeR13: kool
dannygoswimmer: kool milds?
CiTySkATeR13: u guys wrote Alone Forever?
dannygoswimmer: burke did
CiTySkATeR13: omg wow
CiTySkATeR13: seriously?
CiTySkATeR13: you're in the band
dannygoswimmer: he did it alone on a rainy afternoon in the dark
CiTySkATeR13: lol
dannygoswimmer: yeah
CiTySkATeR13: i could never ever figure out the exact lyrics to that song
dannygoswimmer: theyre about sheep fucking
CiTySkATeR13: but ive heard it 23409823 times n learned to play it
CiTySkATeR13: lol
dannygoswimmer: burke just likes to ease it on in there gently
dannygoswimmer: smoothly
dannygoswimmer: eeyyyyyeeaaa
dannygoswimmer: and i like to join him sometimes
CiTySkATeR13: crazy
CiTySkATeR13: do you think you could tell me the exact lyrics to the song?
dannygoswimmer: would YOU like to join us sometime?
CiTySkATeR13: maybe
dannygoswimmer: ooohhh i sure hope so
dannygoswimmer: i have a bonana right now
dannygoswimmer: do you wanna see it?
CiTySkATeR13: a banana?
dannygoswimmer: yeah, i guess you could call it that
CiTySkATeR13: yea ill see it if you tell me the real lyrics to Alone Forever
CiTySkATeR13: but then again why would the bass player for a famous band be IMing me on AIM
CiTySkATeR13: hmmm
dannygoswimmer: we're sooo famous its just making you precum in excitement isnt it?
CiTySkATeR13: yea
CiTySkATeR13: but are you really the bass player for hfh
CiTySkATeR13: that is the question
dannygoswimmer: yeaaaaaaaaaaa
dannygoswimmer: ask me somethin
CiTySkATeR13: the lyrics to alone forever
CiTySkATeR13: if i knew the real lyrics then when i played it on guitar n sang it i wouldnt have to guess at the words
dannygoswimmer:
These silly crushes of mine
why do they happen
why do they happen so much?

I hate the way I look so bad
why do the always call it a fad
to like a girl that's pretty like you
to like a girl that's pretty like you

people always say it'll get better
but it wont
stop telling me to forget her
just let me be alone

just let me be alone
dannygoswimmer: TADAAAAHHHHH!!!!
dannygoswimmer: the brilliance that is burkes songwriting
dannygoswimmer: !!!
CiTySkATeR13: kool
CiTySkATeR13: i knew all those lyrics besides the middle part
CiTySkATeR13: I hate the way I look so bad
why do the always call it a fad
to like a girl that's pretty like you
to like a girl that's pretty like you
dannygoswimmer: its just sooooo
dannygoswimmer: PRECUMMY!!!
dannygoswimmer: isnt it?
CiTySkATeR13: yeah totally
CiTySkATeR13: i actually always thought that song was by taking back sunday
CiTySkATeR13: but then i heard it was by handjobs for hobos
dannygoswimmer: its a cover
CiTySkATeR13: so i googled it
dannygoswimmer: adam lazara had an old unreleased demo called "Alone Forever"
dannygoswimmer: its outta print, but being the COOL DOODS we are we got a copy
CiTySkATeR13: crazy
CiTySkATeR13: yeah i am a long time tbs fan myself
CiTySkATeR13: i know every word to every one of their songs
dannygoswimmer: how old are you?
CiTySkATeR13: 17
dannygoswimmer: do you wanna come down to burke and is ranch?
dannygoswimmer: its a magical place!
CiTySkATeR13: lol
CiTySkATeR13: sounds sexual
dannygoswimmer: ooh it will be baby
CiTySkATeR13: haha
dannygoswimmer: im gonna dangle my nutsack over burkes pointed, angular jewish face...
CiTySkATeR13: LoL
dannygoswimmer: and take a hot steaming dump on your chest!!!
CiTySkATeR13: weird
CiTySkATeR13: i wish i knew for sure that you're the bass player from hfh
dannygoswimmer: ooh i am baby
CiTySkATeR13: cuz i could imagine someone just fuckin wit ppl online
dannygoswimmer: www.myspace.com/hfhrocks
dannygoswimmer: im the one playing the red rogue bass that sucks
dannygoswimmer: and the one whos got his eye on YOU BABAY!!!
dannygoswimmer: im watching you...
dannygoswimmer: HFH is everywhere
dannygoswimmer: the AGE OF AITCH IS IMMINENT!!!!
dannygoswimmer: you
dannygoswimmer: =-ij[
CiTySkATeR13: yea so me n a few friends wanted to start a band
CiTySkATeR13: i think we're gonna call it Fable
dannygoswimmer: where are you from sexy?
CiTySkATeR13: long island
CiTySkATeR13: howd u get my s/n?
dannygoswimmer: i found it on an AIDS WAlk list
CiTySkATeR13: lolz
dannygoswimmer: LOLZERINOZZZ!!!
CiTySkATeR13: ROFLOCAUST
CiTySkATeR13: so tell me about what its like bein in a band
dannygoswimmer: ohh its so exhilihrating
dannygoswimmer: puttin it in a different bitch each night
dannygoswimmer: gettin hammered
dannygoswimmer: yknow, the tourin lifestyle
CiTySkATeR13: koool kool
dannygoswimmer: yeah, its real rough bein a celeb and erthang, but yknow, burke and i pull through
CiTySkATeR13: yea
CiTySkATeR13: who else is in the band
CiTySkATeR13: just u n burke
dannygoswimmer: its a duo
CiTySkATeR13: tru like the Honorary Title
CiTySkATeR13: u heard of em?
dannygoswimmer: yeah
dannygoswimmer: THEY SUCKKKKK!!!
CiTySkATeR13: lol
dannygoswimmer: and YOU SUC K IF YOU LIKE THEM!!!
CiTySkATeR13: aww
dannygoswimmer: ODN KILE HTEHMdsa
dannygoswimmer: 87943274692346
dannygoswimmer: 177
dannygoswimmer: 415o245k7grgfd
dannygoswimmer: 4724825368932rtwart
dannygoswimmer: j
dannygoswimmer: nhawehjahyteheh
dannygoswimmer: a*&^#&RW%^&(*)(*&^^%&(*^^RUYGFVGKL<
CiTySkATeR13: 696969
CiTySkATeR13: what bands do u like
dannygoswimmer: octobers rising
dannygoswimmer: novembers calling
dannygoswimmer: and
dannygoswimmer: decembers novembers
CiTySkATeR13: wtf lol
CiTySkATeR13: how bout the early november
dannygoswimmer: oh yeah, totally
CiTySkATeR13: ]sdgsjdfghjklsdfsgf
dannygoswimmer: can i blow a hot chunky load on your face?
CiTySkATeR13: i guess
dannygoswimmer: 8=========>:o======D~~~~
CiTySkATeR13: lol
dannygoswimmer: -

a huge sorry goes out to this poor lil pop/punky bastard!